There are two rules for success: 1.) Don’t tell all you know.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can’t make me happy.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.

Jesus is coming, so look busy.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Death to all fanatics! I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience – AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Clairvoyants, meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Help stamp out, extinguish, eliminate, and abolish redundancy!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.